In the last year I have suffered from the loss of three babies to miscarriage. Although this has been the worst season of my life, I have grown closer to God during this time, because I have discovered the secret that I can talk to God about everything. I don’t have to be afraid of God; Christ died so that I can have fellowship with our Heavenly Father, and He desires to have an open and honest relationship with me.
For the first six years of my life as a Christian, I only talked to God in my prayers before meals, and at bedtime. I pretty much had the same prayer every night, because I didn’t really know what to say.
In my 7th year of being a Christian, I have discovered the life changing secret to having amazing fellowship with God. Last year, while going through my miscarriages, my dad encouraged me to read certain stories in the bible that would be helpful. During the first miscarriage, I read the book of Job. During my second miscarriage I read the Psalms, and during my third miscarriage, I read about Jesus agonizing in the Garden before his death on the cross.
While reading through these stories in the bible, I discovered that the people who were suffering, didn’t hide the fact that they were angry, depressed, or in pain from God. I discovered that they were confident in being honest with God. I realized that God is merciful and filled with compassion – he is always ready to listen and help us. In fact, he delights when we go to Him.
I heard this wonderful tip on the radio one day about a man who would put a chair in front of him and sit and talk with God. When he was dying, he had the chair next to his hospital bed, and when they found him passed on, he had his arm stretched out across the chair. He was talking with Jesus when he took his last breath.
I turned off the radio after hearing the story, pulled out a chair, sat on the floor, and wept and talked to God. It was therapeutic and reviving to share everything with God. I told him all of my problems, my anxieties, my feelings, my fears for the future, and my hopes for the future. I laid all of my problems at the foot of the cross, and God listened. God held me. God understood. God cared and God loved me.
Even when I’m having a good day, I love to pull out that chair, and sit and talk to God. Sometimes I feel silly about the things I talk about, but I have to remember that God loves to listen. He loves me – he really loves me!
For father’s day, I was feeling really nervous about going to my in-law’s house. All I wanted to do on that day was stay home and not think about the fact that I couldn’t give my husband a child. I was feeling angry about having to go and I was worried that I would feel horrible after going. On the way there, I realized that I could tell God about my worries.
The dinner ended up being a wonderful night of fellowship with family and I actually enjoyed being there. God was faithful in making this a wonderful night with family.
I was nervous before the woman’s fellowship event earlier this week. I decided to pray before the event, and God was faithful in allowing me to have a beautiful evening with the women of my church.
Today was my nephew’s 2nd birthday party, and again, I was nervous and worried about going. Yet again, God was faithful in blessing the event.
Though we did have a really good time with our family, my heart started to ache when we were singing “happy birthday” to my nephew. My sister-in-law was holding him and smiling, and it just hurt my heart to know that I’ll never be able to do that with baby Abiygale, Matthew, or Hope.
When I got home, I went to the bathroom, and cried to my Heavenly Father. I told him how much it hurt my heart and how much I desire to be able to experience the beauty of holding my child in my arms, singing happy birthday.
I can’t know why any of this happened to me, but I can trust that God has been and will be with me through it all. I can trust that God grieves with me. I can trust that God cares for me, and I can trust that God loves me. I can trust that if I just keep fighting the good fight, and keep in the fellowship with the Lord, someday, I will make it home.
I apologize for the lengthy post, but if you stuck with me, I hope that it will encourage you to talk with God. You don’t have to be afraid of God. He desires to be your friend – you can share things with him like you do with your husband or your girlfriends. He wants to help you through your problems and he wants to share in the joy of your victories.
“I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” Psalm 116:1-2 (NIV)