One night when I was in 5th grade, my parents told me that they were going to get a divorce. My first reaction was shock and I wasn’t able to understand the significance of the big change that was about to happen in my life. I spent the weekend with my best friend, Catherine, and was trying to process that everything was going to change, but I didn’t think it would happen as quickly as it did.
After I came home from staying at Catherine’s house, I ate dinner, took a shower, and went to my parent’s closet to get a night-shirt. My dad was a runner and his running t-shirts made the perfect sleep wear. When I opened the closet door, my heart broke into a million pieces as I looked at a half empty closet. All of my dad’s shirts were gone, and I realized that he had moved out of the house. I closed the closet door and began to cry on the floor. I felt so alone and I really wanted to tell my mom so that she could comfort me, but I knew that she was hurting, and I didn’t want to let her see me hurting as well.
So I cried and I felt like I had no one. I didn’t realize that someone was with me – I didn’t know that I always had someone to turn to.
Fast forward to the year 2004 – my dad had made the decision to accept Christ into his life. I can’t remember when exactly, but as I watched him over that year, I realized that something about him had changed. I also noticed that it wasn’t a change that he could have managed on his own. Although I didn’t have much knowledge of who Christ was, I knew that something magical had taken place in my father’s life. I was excited for my dad and I was proud of him.
On December 25, 2004, my dad gave me my very first bible for Christmas. Even before I knew the power of this book, I knew that this was a very special gift. I was excited to read the bible and I spent the next several days, reading in Genesis.
Although I had started reading the bible in December, God waited two months to reveal himself to me, at just the perfect time.
At this point in time in my life, I was a lost soul, and I had no idea I was even searching for something. I was struggling with deep wounds from the divorce that had never been healed. My entire life was focused on a relationship with a boy who was even more lost than I was. I struggled with an eating disorder and often times would go for a week or two without eating anything at all, and then other times I couldn’t control myself from binge eating. It was a constant battle of pain and thinking if I could just have the perfect body, and if I could just make my boyfriend happy, than life would be perfect and I would finally feel a sense of peace.
In February of 2005, everything seemed to fall apart at once. I came down with a bad case of mono, I was failing my chemistry class and couldn’t catch up, and my boyfriend decided to break up with me. My heart was breaking in agonizing pain, and I felt a deep painful hole in my stomach. It literally felt like I had a giant hole in my stomach, as if a part of me had been ripped out of my body. I prayed and prayed every night for God to convince my boyfriend to take me back.
A few weeks after the break up, I found out that I wouldn’t be able to go on a trip to New York with my choir class that I had worked so hard to pay for myself. I wasn’t able to go because I had failed Chemistry for that grade period, and I also wouldn’t be able to receive any kind of refund. I was happy to know that someone very deserving was able to take my place (her parents were going through a bad divorce), but it was still a major kick in the stomach that I had fallen so far and let myself down.
That same day, my ex boyfriend decided to verbally attack me and knock me out while I was already down. Anything evil he could think to say, he said it. I was told that I looked like I had Down syndrome, that I was fat and needed to continue to starve myself, that I was a horrible singer and that he never loved me. Every cruel word was like a blade through my heart, trying to destroy any ounce of happiness remaining.
I felt worthless and alone. I just couldn’t take the pain any longer and I wondered if life was worth living. As I sat on my bed weeping I noticed my bible on my nightstand, and I started to cry out to the Lord. I begged Him “Please Lord, just take this pain away from me. I can’t do this anymore. Please! Lord!” It was at that moment that I was overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit, and I knew without a doubt that Jesus was right there with me, holding me and helping me fight through the battle. Suddenly I was calm, and I felt peaceful in his presence. Chills erupted over my body, as my God was saving my life.
It has been over 7 years since I accepted Christ into my life and it has been the most wonderful journey. Life most certainly has not been perfect; I continue to fail and make mistakes. I continue to suffer from heartbreaking circumstances. But God has been with me through it all.
I remember myself crying in my parent’s closet on the weekend they told me of their divorce, and I remember the hopeless feeling of being alone. Since Christ has come into my life, even when I am walking through the worst of times, I don’t have that hopeless feeling anymore. During the darkest hours of my life, I am confident that God is right there with me, crying with me, comforting me, and loving me.
I want you to know, that you don’t have to be alone either. God is with you and he wants to be there for you. Lean on Him, because He is strong and cares for you like no one else in this world can.
If you are reading this right now, I pray that it will touch your life in some way. Perhaps you are lost and you feel alone. I pray that you will just take a moment to talk with God and ask for his help. Even if you don’t believe in God, it won’t hurt you to pray, and who knows maybe he will prove you wrong and answer you.
Maybe you are reading this, and you know someone who is lost. I’m going to tell you that the best thing you can do for that person, is to get a bible in their hands and pray, pray, pray for God to work a miracle over that person.
Finally, whatever your situation is, just know that I love to pray for others, and if there is some way I can pray for you or for your loved ones, please comment or email me at email@example.com
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” -John 3:16
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:8
“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God–not by works, so that no one can boast.” -Ephesians 2: 8-9
“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.” -Revelation 3:20
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” -John 1:12
Beautiful song called, By Your Side: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdjRmM0Q0qs
My baptism in 2007 with my little sister, Alison Grace: