A year ago today I found out that I was pregnant with baby Matthew. It was such an exciting and scary moment. At that time we had one loss under our belts and we were nervous but excited for the future. We were so very hopeful that we would give birth in June.
A year later, I’m glad that I didn’t know now what I know then. I’m glad that I was able to be happy for a short period of time and enjoy that pregnancy while it lasted. I’m glad I spent most of the 10 weeks excited, rubbing my belly, and loving my beautiful baby boy.
I’m sad that I didn’t get to meet Matthew in this lifetime. I will always wonder what life would be like with Matthew here with us. What would he be doing now? Would he be smiling? Would he laugh at Daddy’s silly songs? Would he love to cuddle with mommy? I won’t get to meet Matthew in this life, but my hope lies in the fact that he is waiting for me in a far, far better place, and he is being loved on by Jesus. I can’t wait to join him in paradise.
Right now, I’m grieving deeply. Work was a good distraction but when I got home I was alone with my thoughts and I couldn’t help but remember how happy I was a year ago – how in love I was with my precious baby. I tried to watch a television show to distract myself but it didn’t make me feel better and in fact made me feel worse. Gluten free chocolate didn’t help either. I finally realized that I needed my ultimate source of comfort, Jesus.
He has been with me through every tear during this long season of grief and he continues to comfort me daily. When I cry out to Him, I can feel His presence with me and know that I am loved and cared for. If you’re also going through a hard time, I hope you’ll turn to the ultimate source of comfort, Jesus. I hope you’ll know that he is always with you.