To read about my first miscarriage go here.
After we lost our first baby to an early miscarriage at 4 weeks, I wanted to try again right away. We weren’t technically trying before the first pregnancy to get pregnant, but we were not preventing in anyway, and we were excited to see it happen in God’s timing. I was of course hopeful every month with excitement, but we both expected it to take quite a while, and we felt ready to begin something that could be a long journey of waiting. I never expected the journey to include so much heartbreak. It was definitely something I was not prepared for.
I would like to start off this story about a month before I found out I was pregnant for a second time. There is a part of this story that is important later in my journey.
After the first miscarriage, I was determined to remain faithful to God. I was trying very hard. Honestly, I think part of me hoped that my obedience to God would pay off in the form of another baby. Every time someone would ask me to do something, I would agree, not necessarily because I wanted to help, but because I didn’t want to give God a reason to think I didn’t deserve to have a baby. And then I started to get angry, and one night, after several months of pretending to be happy, I found myself crying in the car, driving around, and yelling at God. And God is so merciful. He is truly slow to anger because in that moment of my anger against Him, he gave me a peace and an understanding, and put it on my heart that it would be okay to say “no” sometimes. He made me see that I don’t have to be perfect – I just have to be willing and joyful. After that night of “talking” with God, I found myself truly happy again, and excited for the future.
And I was really excited and hopeful for the possibility of having a baby. I decided to start a journal that I would write in every day with different struggles, letters to God, and hopes and prayers for having a baby. I’ll share a few of my entries throughout this story.
On September 4, 2011 I started teaching my first Sunday school class for 6th grade with my mother-in-law, Sharon. We had so much fun teaching together and the kids were well behaved and engaged in conversation with us. We went out to eat lunch with all of the family after church, and I wasn’t even disappointed to find that my period had started that day. I was just so pleased that we had started this fun journey of teaching such a wonderful group of kids.
And then disaster struck. Jonathan and I came home and found my beloved rabbit of seven years, Buttercup, dead. She passed away in her sleep. It was shocking and very difficult to accept. I struggled for days after burying her because I kept thinking that she was going to wake up. She would always look really still when she slept, and it was hard to accept that she was not going to wake up this time. It would be a few months before I found acceptance in peace in her passing. (Remember this part of the story for later).
On September 6, 2011, I wrote the following in my journal:
Today I come to you asking for your word to get me through. My heart is broken my Father, and I need you. I need your help. I need your love to guide me. Three months ago, I lost the baby and when I thought it would ruin me – you saved me. Sunday, I lost Buttercup, and her death is aching in a way that reminds me just how lost I am without you. You time things perfectly Father and you always lead me to your word – you never let me fall. It could be so easy for me to give up on you – to fall into sin’s trap. But you have a grip on me and Lord I praise you for it. When everything is going wrong in this life, you always find a way to show me and remind me how amazing your love for me is. Yesterday as I was walking Sweetpea, it was cool outside, leaves were falling on the ground, the sky was a perfect blue, and I saw your beauty all around me. Last night, the sky was clear enough to see the stars; it was breath-taking to witness such beauty when I took Sweetpea out this early morning. It was as if you put a star in every place I look up – like you put it shinning there – just for me. I know that you were showing me love by giving me these beautiful creations to look at. How could I not believe in you – when looking all around – creation shines with your beauty and love? And Lord, I hold on to the hope that there will be a day when I see you, the source of ultimate beauty. When my tears will be wiped away, by you, my Abba. I can’t wait for that day, but until then, I ask you to guide me in your word and help me through the times when it is hard to remember the beauty. Lord be with me. Amen.
To be continued in part 2.