My Second Miscarriage Story: Part 2

Read part 1 here.

On September 28th, 2011 we found out that we were pregnant again. We were both excited, but it was much more reserved than the first pregnancy. We said a prayer and asked God to take our worry and fear away from us so that we could enjoy this time and we quoted the verse from Matthew 6:27 that says, “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.”

My excited journal entry from that morning:

“It’s 5 in the morning and I just confirmed with a pregnancy test that I am PREGNANT! What? This is insane! On Monday night I caved in and took a pregnancy test and I could see a second line, but when Jon couldn’t see the line, I thought maybe I was crazy and making it up in my head. I really started to feel pregnant with lots of symptoms, but there have been so many months where I could have sworn up and down that I was having pregnancy symptoms. But here I am today, pregnant, and praising God. My Father heard my cries and he had compassion on me. Lord, I just thank you so much for this child and I will leave my worry at the door and trust in your perfect will – that through all things – your glory will show. Lord, I just ask you to help me during this exciting time to keep my focus on you – and that in all things I do – you will be glorified. Praise you God! I did not deserve to be heard, but you listened anyways. You are my strong tower and comfort when I am weak – you are always strong. I love you Lord and I thank you for this gracious blessing you’ve given to our family.

I’m going to try to focus a lot of my prayers over Jonathan and giving him peace. I see now that the miscarriage in June affected him more than I understood, and I wish now that I had been more sensitive to his feelings. It is hard for him to express his emotions and I took his silence to mean that he didn’t care. What a fool I was. Lord, be with my husband.

Last week my worry was waiting to find out if I was pregnant, and now my worry is that something will go wrong. I need to make a box and in the box place my prayers of worry and concern and leave everything in God’s great hands.

For: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life.” Matthew 6:27

After we confirmed that I am indeed pregnant, we said a prayer of thanks and a prayer to keep me and the baby safe in God’s hands. I also quoted the verse on worrying. When I picked up my journal and read some of the verses I posted last week, I saw that and noticed that it is from Matthew chapter 6. For years now we’ve discussed wanting to name our son Matthew, but I also want to leave the name choice up to God. I’m wondering if this was God’s way of telling me he approves of Matthew? I guess we will find out. I’m definitely feeling like we are going to have a boy, but obviously I will just be happy to have a child. Ah! It is crazy that I will be a mother and Jon will be a father and we will be responsible for someone’s life. What an exciting adventure this will be.

Most parents go nuts planning for stuff they need for the baby, but after having a miscarriage, I know the most important planning will be in our spiritual walk with God. We need to prepare to be strong, Christian parents, soaking in the knowledge of His Holy Word. God holds us to a higher standard as parents and we must strive to be fully prepared to lead a child in the way of the Lord. Father, I just pray that your wisdom we will never forget, and your wisdom we will faithfully pass down in our generation – starting with our first born child. Oh Praise you Father for this wonderful life you are building within me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I love you so very much!”

As you can tell from my journal entry, I was ecstatic to be pregnant again. I was definitely nervous, but my faith was strong, and I was hopeful that this would be our take home baby.  Based on my last menstrual cycle from September 4 (also the day that Buttercup passed away) I calculated that I was due on June 10, 2012. June 10 was a special day for Jonathan and I, as it was the day that we found out in 2011 that we were pregnant for the first time. I thought that was really awesome, and couldn’t help but feel like this was such an amazing gift to be given after losing our first baby and losing Buttercup.

As each week passed and I progressed further along into the pregnancy, I became more and more relaxed and excited. Each week was one step closer to our dream coming true, and it was a very exciting time. Every Sunday, as we reached a new week of pregnancy, we took a picture of my growing belly. I held my belly all the time, sang to the baby, and read 3 chapters of the bible each morning to the little one. I couldn’t wait to meet my beautiful little baby, but I was enjoying every moment of having them in my belly with me. I was SO happy and in love!

A month after finding out that I was pregnant with our second baby, I found out that my brother and his wife Regina were expecting a little girl, Autumn Rose, who was due to arrive on May 1, about a month before our baby was due. When my dad told me on the phone, I couldn’t stop saying, “God is good!” Regina was told by doctors that she would probably never be able to have children, and this was a huge blessing for our family. I was also excited because I was also pregnant, and it was going to be so amazing to hold my niece with my growing baby in my belly, knowing that in one month, I would be giving birth to my own child. And I was excited that our children would be so close in age and I dreamed of all of the fun they would have together through the years.

In the back of my mind, I worried that it would be difficult if I was to lose the baby, but I tried not to let that fear control me, and just enjoy this exciting time. I also had other things to worry about right now.

In August when Jonathan’s employer changed insurance companies, I decided to go for a private insurance company that would save us more money. I did not realize that the insurance did not include maternity coverage, and when I became pregnant in September, that was a big problem. Thankfully we were able to cancel that insurance policy and sign on to the insurance through my husband’s work, but we had to wait quite a while for all of the paperwork to clear.

When the insurance finally kicked in, we immediately scheduled an appointment to see an ob, but were going to have to wait another two weeks. I was getting tired of waiting – I was ready to see my baby! I tried to remain patient and trust that the baby was doing well.

On Saturday, November 12, I was starting to really feel excited about this baby. I remember it well because I scrubbed the house clean and wasn’t nervous about hurting the baby, like I had been in weeks prior. When my husband came home from work that night, I yelled with excitement, “I’m 10 weeks today!” It was midnight and I was so happy to reach such a big milestone. I thought, “Just 30 more weeks until I get to meet you, my sweet Baby M!” Baby M was our nickname for the baby.  We chose that nickname because it is the first initial of our last name and because on the morning I found out I was pregnant, I was looking up at the stars and I saw 5 stars formed in the shape of an M.  We both really thought this was going to be a baby boy so we figured baby M would eventually turn into baby Matthew.

As I went to sleep that night, I rubbed my belly and had a few tears in my eyes as I thought of the weeks to come when I would feel sweet baby kicks. I was really in love with this baby and I was enjoying sharing my life with them.

To be continued in part 3.

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