My Second Miscarriage Story: Part 5

Read part 4 here.

I was relieved to finally be home but the relief didn’t last long. That night I started to have contractions. The next morning the contractions had stopped and I was hopeful that the worst of the pain was over. I sent my husband to go get lunch before he left for work, but within a few minutes, I had to call him back home.

I started to have heavy clots and bleeding and an intense amount of pain. I felt light headed and scared and told my husband to take the day off of work because we were headed back to the hospital.

We called labor and delivery like we were told to, but they apparently didn’t get the memo and told us that we would first have to go to the emergency room. Thankfully the emergency room wasn’t busy at all and I was taken right back.

They did blood tests to check on my platelet levels and then prepared me for a procedure that would look at my cervix and clean out some of the clots. I’m not one hundred percent sure of what they had to do, but I remember it vividly.

*****Warning: Graphic Description ahead. *****

They showed me a large (5 inch – I think) device that they were going to insert into me for the examination and my immediate reaction was panic. It looked huge and all I could think was, “Why didn’t you stay home and let yourself die, you big idiot!”

I tried to remain calm but it hurt so badly and I felt so very violated and horribly embarrassed. Blood was everywhere. It looked like a murder scene. My husband didn’t know what to say to me, but his face looked terrified. I can’t imagine what he was thinking in that moment.

After the doctor and nurse finished the examination, they left the room so that I could clean myself up. I looked all around at the mess of blood throughout the room. In the trash can. On the pad on the table. On me. It looked like death and I realized that it was death. It was the death of my baby M and he had died inside of me.

I sat back down on the bed and silent tears ran down my face. I felt like a victim.

The nurse was beyond compassionate and she went above and beyond to take good care of me.  She shared with me that she had also suffered a miscarriage and was deeply sorry for what I was going through. She was bright light in a dark period of time in my life and I will always remember her kindness.

My platelet levels came back at 40,000 which were just a little bit higher than they had been the previous day and the doctors were relieved that the miscarriage wasn’t causing my levels to drop. I was then sent to labor and delivery and they performed an ultrasound to see if the baby and tissue had passed.

As they pulled up the image and determined that everything had passed naturally, my husband Jonathan started to cry. I think he still held some kind of hope that maybe a miracle would happen and our baby’s heart would start to beat. I hated seeing him in pain and I wished so badly that I could give him that miracle. That I could somehow will all of this to stop happening and will our baby to keep living within me. But Baby M was gone and there was nothing anyone could do.

I was sent back home later that day but as we drove home I realized that I would never be the same again. This day changed me forever.

To be continued in the FINAL part 6

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