Read part 1 here.
Read part 2 here.
Read part 3 here.
Read part 4 here.
Read part 5 here.
It felt good to be home and after a few days I started to feel a bit more safe and hopeful that I wouldn’t be going back to the hospital.
It was difficult to start the grieving process and I didn’t know how I was ever going to feel better again, but I clung to God and spent hours a day crying and praying for help. There were times when I would feel so horribly devastated that I would pray for God to end my life. I knew that it was a selfish prayer and I wanted to be strong for Jonathan and all of my family, but the pain felt like too much to stand and I didn’t know how I would ever feel happy again.
One day as I was sitting on my bed feeling sad, I started to feel overwhelmed by the details of the death of my rabbit Buttercup (remember how I said Buttercup died on September 4th? in the beginning of the story) and our Baby M. Suddenly an image appeared in my head of a beautiful baby boy with blonde hair and the most precious smile. He was giggling and petting a very healthy looking Buttercup. I have never seen such a perfect image before in my life and I was taken aback by the glorious beauty of it. It felt like God was gifting me with a vision from Heaven of our baby and Buttercup, but I couldn’t help but doubt myself. I started crying tears of happiness thinking of the happiness and joy of my precious baby.
A few days later, I was looking through old pictures and found a picture of me as a baby walking around with my mom’s swimsuit over my head. I was laughing and smiling and as I looked at the picture, I realized that the baby I had a vision of, had the same facial features and smile as me. I then realized that I did not make this up in my head, but that it was in fact a gift from God. A beautiful vision of our baby boy and precious Buttercup.
I cannot even begin to describe how much this image has comforted me. To see such beauty and to know without a doubt that my child is happy makes every wound, every scar, and every hurt worth it all.
I of course shared the details with Jonathan and it brought him joy as well to know that Baby M is safe and happy with Jesus. We decided that we wanted to honor the babies that we lost and we started by giving them names. We named our first baby, who we felt was a girl, Abiygale, and we named our second Baby, Matthew.
We also felt led to sponsor a child through Compassion as a way to remember our babies. As I was looking through the profiles of children on the Compassion website, I couldn’t figure out how I was going to pick a child. How could I possibly pick one child when I wanted to pick all of them?
We decided that if we found a child with the name Abiygale or Matthew that would be our pick. Within a few minutes, we found precious Maria Abigail and made the decision to sponsor her.
During a time when I was feeling hopeless and completely lost, God brought us to the wonderful organization Compassion, and gave us the opportunity to be able to sponsor a child. Through Abigail, the memory of our babies’ lives on and it has been an amazing blessing to have her in our lives. We enjoy writing letters to her and especially receiving letters from her. We pray for her and her family every night and we are also honored to have them pray for us as well.
Although I will never know for sure why we lost our precious baby Matthew, I take comfort in the fact that God does not waste one ounce of our pain and suffering. He will use it all for good and he started with Abigail’s Compassion sponsorship.
Though I question God more times than I am ashamed to admit, I know that He has the power to make beautiful things out of the wreckage. During times in life when we lose someone we love, it can seem hopeless and you might even feel like giving up, but I want you to know that in those moments when you are alone, when you feel like you have nothing and no one, you have a Savior named Christ who is waiting with open arms to heal you. He loves you. He cares for you. He died for you. He forgives you. He wants a relationship with you. You can trust in Jesus and you can trust that He has the power to restore what was lost. He has the power to end evil and death and sadness.
Someday Christ will return and when He does, there will be no more sadness, no more tears, no more death or mourning. There will only be love and happiness. Enduring the pain and suffering in this life is worth it because God has something better ahead for us.
If you have experienced the loss of a baby to miscarriage or even the loss of a loved one and you would like someone to talk with, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I would love to be a source of comfort and support for you. This is a hard journey and you don’t have to go through it alone.